What’s dating like in prison?

Happy Valentine's Day! In today's newsletter, I interviewed Sammy about love, dating, relationships, and what it all means when you're doing it from prison.

This article was originally published on Prison Journalism Project.

Photo of Sammy

Sometimes, I wish my brother had a girlfriend. I think about how lonely he must feel, and it’s painful for me to imagine the isolation he experiences inside his maximum security housing unit. He eats all his meals inside his cell, he doesn’t have a cellmate, and he doesn’t socialize with the general population. 

Isolation and loneliness are intensely felt by people inside prison. I’ve read countless stories and poems on Prison Journalism Project about coping with this alienation. Some incarcerated people have significant others to lean on. But with all of the restrictions imposed on lovers by prison policies and geography, even that can’t cure the sometimes profound loneliness of incarceration. 

This got me thinking about dating or finding romantic relationships while inside. 

To shed more light on the issue, I connected with a friend at Kern Valley State Prison, Sammy G. I first learned of Sammy through his friend, Magida, who contacted me after reading my Substack, Stories About My Brother. Magida and Sammy share his stories in a newsletter called The Prison Chronicles. 

Sammy, 48, is currently single but has dated and maintained relationships while incarcerated. Below is an interview, conducted via the text messaging service GTL, in which he shared his views on romance and love, and how they’ve evolved over the 23 years he’s been inside. His comments have been edited and condensed for clarity.

Q: Tell us about yourself.

Sammy: Like many incarcerated guys, I’ve experienced a lot over the years — who I am today is a very long way from who I was when I first came to prison. I’ve grown, and I continue to evolve toward the best me I am meant to be. 

Support and love from family and friends has transformed my life. I’ve found my path and direction in this world, wanting to add positivity to each person I encounter. 

Q: How do incarcerated people date and find romance? 

Sammy: There are several ways prisoners can find new friends and relationships. For one, they can go through family, friends or other prisoners. 

Another way is through WriteAPrisoner.com, which is a paid pen pal service for incarcerated guys who want to connect with people on the outside. It costs about $65 a year. 

The service lets you add a photo, fill out a questionnaire and share an introduction to yourself. I’ve seen a lot of successful relationships come from there. 

Q: What has your dating experience been like?

Sammy: I had a good friendship that turned into a romantic relationship. We met through an incarcerated guy I’ve known for a long time. 

My partner was able to visit me every weekend. We had a lot of communication and it was very positive, but my life sentence became an obstacle in the way of what we both wanted in the long run. 

We mutually decided to part. Being away from someone can make a relationship extra difficult, so finding ways to connect and communicate effectively is key. 

I’ve learned that a good relationship is based on the mutual desire to enjoy each other’s company and learn from one another, and see each other grow and become better people. With each interaction, you can add positivity and trust. 

A bad relationship lacks trust and communication, which often leads to a lot of arguing and pettiness.

Q: Do you think it’s possible to have a lasting relationship in prison?

Sammy: I have seen many flourishing relationships from prison that have stood the test of time. I believe these relationships are successful because they have trust, communication, patience and understanding. These are things that keep a relationship solid. Also, with earned privileges, a couple can marry, and conjugal visits are allowed. Intimacy is important and can make the relationship stronger.

Just like any relationship, there are struggles, and it can be very challenging while incarcerated. But if both people find ways to overcome those challenges, it can be one of the greatest things and strengthen a bond like no other. Being honest and open about what you want and really getting to know one another are most important. 

Q: What mistakes do you see other incarcerated people making when it comes to dating? 

Sammy: I think prisoners often jump into relationships too quickly because they want to feel that sense of connection to take away some of the loneliness. But when we jump in too quickly, we haven’t really gotten to know the other person. 

To cope with loneliness, I had to teach myself new habits. I’ve found fulfilling creative outlets that give me confidence. I’m OK with being single because working on myself as a person comes first. I want to be good on my own. When the time is right, I’ll have something good to offer the other person.

Q: What’s surprised you most about dating while incarcerated, and why?

Sammy: We can learn from each relationship, even the negative ones. 

In my last relationship, I learned that I needed to make changes to grow and be happy on my own before attempting to be in a relationship. Through education and new habits and experiences, I noticed that change and a growing sense of comfort within myself.

We can take and give the positive or negative from a situation, and it’s our choice to use what’s good. It’s a reminder to be a human with each new day. Always choose kindness and love to pass on. 

Q: Is there anything else you’d like to say? 

Sammy: I’ve gained so much by opening myself up to meet new people, whether romantic or not. Finding someone on the outside can change both lives on either side of these prison walls. 

To me, romance is great, but it’s not everything. A decade ago, I was fortunate to form a deep friendship on a pen pal site. It has altered my life in ways I never dreamed of. 

This relationship continues to enrich my life, and I’m able to show the fruition of that single relationship in everything I do and with everyone I meet.