I just found this thread today when googling how to cope with my brothers 20 year sentence that was given this morning. How did you cope in the early days? This is impossible to comprehend and heartbreaking.
Hi Bijan... first of all, I'm so sorry about what happened. My bro got 19 years, so I'm right there with you. Six years ago, when it first happened, I was in a really dark place. I couldn't even open his first letter for a month! I cried constantly, and felt incredibly guilty. When I thought about my parents, it was like 100x worse too.
I know this sounds impossible... but it DOES get better. If you live in the same state and can visit, start there. The most important thing I learned about having a loved one in prison is to just make them feel like you're there for them. I don't always do such a great job of this, but I try.
I think the beginning is rough b/c everything is still sinking in. But once you can process that and heal a bit... it really does get better. I wrote a lot in my journal, talked to my mom and my sister about it, and then eventually, I started sharing it on this Substack and with other people in my circle... letting go of the shame and just trying to work through the terrible situation ahead of me (and my bro and my family).
Claire - thank you so much for sharing your story. I don’t know a single person who can relate to this pain, so you have no idea how much this helps. It’s hard to imagine navigating these coming days when everything is a mystery and nothing makes sense. Hoping to find and join a community of others who understand the pain of being a sibling on the outside. Thank you for your kind words ❤️
Toooootally. Besides my sister, I felt so alone. I have some advice that might help you... start getting familiar with your brother's prison and what the rules are to visit and contact him. Get set up with the third-party vendors (like GTL) so you can send him commissary money each month for canteen.
See if your brother's prison has a Facebook group. Those can be extremely helpful. When you make your first visit to him, see if you can strike up conversations with other visitors (they are a wealth of information!), or if the correctional officers seem nice, ask them questions too.
I think when you're "doing something" to keep moving forward, it helps with your mental state of mind.
Lastly, get familiar with what it's like to be incarcerated. (Honestly, you may want to wait a bit to dig into this one b/c some of it is really difficult to process. Prison is a horrible place.) But go to sites like PrisonJournalismProject to start learning about what people on the inside go through. Again, this might be something you do later.
Thank you so much for your advice. We lost our older brother almost 7 years ago, so this is just another huge blow to my small family. I will look into the things you mentioned! We are not sure where he will end up but I am definitely going to stay present and in contact. It’s hard to fathom 20 whole years when he’s only 26. I know something good must come from this. Thank you, again!
Hi Claire, I appreciate your writing very much. I too have a brother in prison although his pattern thus far has been kind of in and out of prison repeatedly. He is currently "in" a detention center awaiting trial, and I don't know whether he will have a longer term sentence. Drugs and the resultant "brain damage" from drug use have lead to his current situation. I admire your continued work for your brother and your trying to connect with him and support him. I know that you are correct in stating that situations in different prisons and different states vary widely. I'm looking forward to reading more of your work!
Wendy, I'm truly honored you've found my Substack. I'm sorry to hear about your brother and his history with drugs. I hope things work out, and that his drug use doesn't get worse in prison. Thank you for sharing, I appreciate it and it makes me feel less alone in this struggle.
Claire, I can feel your pain and I’m just so sorry you’re feeling so understandably sad and frustrated with this situation. It’s remarkable that you are finding ways to keep pushing forward to find ways that help your bro and your connection to him. Please don’t beat yourself up for having a fight with a sibling. It’s life (but it sucks so bad that incarceration adds a shitty layer to an already shitty situation). I can’t wait to share this post. You’re an amazing sister. I’ll keep your brother in my thoughts. I suspect that, through your efforts, he’ll feel all our love…
Thank you Christine. I so appreciate your support and kind thoughts and words. I hope you're right. I don't always send him my Substacks about him, nor do I tell him what's going on. I have to get better at sharing that, and maybe he will feel some kind of gratitude. Maybe he already does and I just don't know it. I have to stop making so many assumptions too. :)
I get a sense of your frustration, and I hope the prisoner pen pal works for him, while giving you some peace. It's hard to watch other people's suffering, but I noticed we get a lot of opportunities to do that in this life. Hang in there :)
Thank you Ilona. I hope it works out too but I'm not expecting miracles. Just something to get him out of his routine and stop staring at the wall or at his TV. He sent me a message earlier that he's studied every inch of his cell walls... :/ Anyway, thank you for your comment and kind words. It means a lot to me.
I just found this thread today when googling how to cope with my brothers 20 year sentence that was given this morning. How did you cope in the early days? This is impossible to comprehend and heartbreaking.
Hi Bijan... first of all, I'm so sorry about what happened. My bro got 19 years, so I'm right there with you. Six years ago, when it first happened, I was in a really dark place. I couldn't even open his first letter for a month! I cried constantly, and felt incredibly guilty. When I thought about my parents, it was like 100x worse too.
I know this sounds impossible... but it DOES get better. If you live in the same state and can visit, start there. The most important thing I learned about having a loved one in prison is to just make them feel like you're there for them. I don't always do such a great job of this, but I try.
I think the beginning is rough b/c everything is still sinking in. But once you can process that and heal a bit... it really does get better. I wrote a lot in my journal, talked to my mom and my sister about it, and then eventually, I started sharing it on this Substack and with other people in my circle... letting go of the shame and just trying to work through the terrible situation ahead of me (and my bro and my family).
You'll get through it... I'm rooting for you.
Claire - thank you so much for sharing your story. I don’t know a single person who can relate to this pain, so you have no idea how much this helps. It’s hard to imagine navigating these coming days when everything is a mystery and nothing makes sense. Hoping to find and join a community of others who understand the pain of being a sibling on the outside. Thank you for your kind words ❤️
Toooootally. Besides my sister, I felt so alone. I have some advice that might help you... start getting familiar with your brother's prison and what the rules are to visit and contact him. Get set up with the third-party vendors (like GTL) so you can send him commissary money each month for canteen.
See if your brother's prison has a Facebook group. Those can be extremely helpful. When you make your first visit to him, see if you can strike up conversations with other visitors (they are a wealth of information!), or if the correctional officers seem nice, ask them questions too.
I think when you're "doing something" to keep moving forward, it helps with your mental state of mind.
Lastly, get familiar with what it's like to be incarcerated. (Honestly, you may want to wait a bit to dig into this one b/c some of it is really difficult to process. Prison is a horrible place.) But go to sites like PrisonJournalismProject to start learning about what people on the inside go through. Again, this might be something you do later.
Thank you so much for your advice. We lost our older brother almost 7 years ago, so this is just another huge blow to my small family. I will look into the things you mentioned! We are not sure where he will end up but I am definitely going to stay present and in contact. It’s hard to fathom 20 whole years when he’s only 26. I know something good must come from this. Thank you, again!
That sucks and I’m so sorry!! I agree, you have to focus on the positive, and hopefully your bro will become a better person through it all. 🥺
Hi Claire, I appreciate your writing very much. I too have a brother in prison although his pattern thus far has been kind of in and out of prison repeatedly. He is currently "in" a detention center awaiting trial, and I don't know whether he will have a longer term sentence. Drugs and the resultant "brain damage" from drug use have lead to his current situation. I admire your continued work for your brother and your trying to connect with him and support him. I know that you are correct in stating that situations in different prisons and different states vary widely. I'm looking forward to reading more of your work!
Wendy, I'm truly honored you've found my Substack. I'm sorry to hear about your brother and his history with drugs. I hope things work out, and that his drug use doesn't get worse in prison. Thank you for sharing, I appreciate it and it makes me feel less alone in this struggle.
Claire, I can feel your pain and I’m just so sorry you’re feeling so understandably sad and frustrated with this situation. It’s remarkable that you are finding ways to keep pushing forward to find ways that help your bro and your connection to him. Please don’t beat yourself up for having a fight with a sibling. It’s life (but it sucks so bad that incarceration adds a shitty layer to an already shitty situation). I can’t wait to share this post. You’re an amazing sister. I’ll keep your brother in my thoughts. I suspect that, through your efforts, he’ll feel all our love…
Thank you Christine. I so appreciate your support and kind thoughts and words. I hope you're right. I don't always send him my Substacks about him, nor do I tell him what's going on. I have to get better at sharing that, and maybe he will feel some kind of gratitude. Maybe he already does and I just don't know it. I have to stop making so many assumptions too. :)
I get a sense of your frustration, and I hope the prisoner pen pal works for him, while giving you some peace. It's hard to watch other people's suffering, but I noticed we get a lot of opportunities to do that in this life. Hang in there :)
Thank you Ilona. I hope it works out too but I'm not expecting miracles. Just something to get him out of his routine and stop staring at the wall or at his TV. He sent me a message earlier that he's studied every inch of his cell walls... :/ Anyway, thank you for your comment and kind words. It means a lot to me.