What it’s like to have a loved one in prison

There’s a reason why it’s taken me over a month to publish anything new on Stories About My Bro.

It’s hard to see the background, but this was taken on a trip to Europe inside an old church. My bro looks like he’s a freshman in high school.

I was advised by my mom’s pastor not to write any stories about my brother that could compromise any hope of him getting out early. Although extremely unlikely, there could be opportunities for my brother to reach early parole (maybe laws will change as they did after COVID, when thousands of prisoners were released). 

Even though I had no plans to write about the actual incident that put him behind bars, I did have a list of dramatic stories (that could someday make for a fantastic screenplay) I wanted to write about. I’ve said this before, but his life really could be made into a movie and maybe one day I will write it after he is released. 

What the pastor said

My mom’s pastor, a man who has ministered to the incarcerated for the last 30 years, told my mom to tell me it was not the best idea to share these dramatic stories about my brother.

I take his advice seriously, as he is very knowledgeable about the prison system and has counseled hundreds, if not thousands of prisoners during his time in jail ministry. 

However, there’s a part of me that feels like he doesn’t actually understand what I wanted this newsletter to be about. When my mom first informed me that the pastor said not to share my brother’s stories, I was a bit taken aback.

I felt like if early parole were a possibility, these stories would help, not hurt. It would convey a holistic story about who my brother is, as a human. It would show he’s made mistakes and poor decisions because he was bullied, insecure, and didn’t have a strong father figure.  

But as I thought about it some more, I began to understand the pastor’s message. He probably knew some of my stories would uncover gang life and drugs. While I do have stories of when my brother was using and running from the law, for the most part, that time in his life was kind of a black box to me anyway. I have snippets of what my brother told me, but I can’t be sure if it’s even the truth, as he was on drugs and in his own world. 

What it’s like to have a family member in prison

At one point, I thought about shutting down the newsletter completely. But I feel strongly about sharing his stories, I just need to be more careful about what I’m sharing. I will continue writing about his childhood since that’s the brother I knew best. 

Beyond his stories, I also want to open up the conversation about what it’s like to have a loved one in prison. (In case you missed it from my Memoir Junkie newsletter, I wrote about my first visit to prison.) 

While I’m thankful for the pastor’s help and wisdom, there were so many things my family and I had to learn on our own, like having to send quarterly “care packages” of clothing, food, and soap (the prison gives inmates the bare minimum—a tiny bar of soap for a whole month! So families need to send expensive care packages). Or the time my sister and I finally secured a Zoom visit but after being on hold for an hour, the call was dropped with no explanation or follow-up email.

When I first experienced all of this, I wished there was a how-to guidebook on what to do when a loved one goes to prison. How to set up calls through the prison payphone system, set up a visitation online, and what to wear when you visit.

Maybe I haven’t done enough Googling, but I feel like no one is talking about this stuff and there aren’t any anecdotal resources to help. 

So, I plan on writing more about these experiences. I find it one part frustrating, one part fascinating. I hope it intrigues you to keep reading and even share with others. Also, let me know if there’s a particular topic you’re curious about.

Writer’s eye: My brother came into focus

My first visit to prison