When the going gets rough...
You gotta make hard decisions.
The other day, I was staring at the homepage of Stories About My Brother, and honestly, a lot of the stories feel pretty heavy. I wish I had something lighter to write about, and I know those moments will come, but right now, this is the reality of having a loved one in prison.
Lately—over the past few months, I’d guess—my brother’s mental health has taken a noticeable downturn. His texts to my older sister (through the prison messaging app) have always been odd, but recently, they’ve gone beyond that. (If you haven’t already, you can read What Motivates People to Want to Change, where I first shared some of his bizarre messages.)
What’s different now is that he’s started having conversations with himself via text. One message will be in quotes like he’s asking himself a question, and the next will be his own response. These strings of text, which cost five cents each, go on and on. It’s been upsetting and concerning for my family.
The phone calls, though, are even more troubling. Recently, he called, asking for another $50—on top of the monthly $120 we already send him for canteen (the prison store). This is also in addition to a recent $100 we sent so he could supposedly “play games” on his tablet.
Without going into too much detail, you can get pretty much any drug in prison, just like on the outside—if you have money.
During these calls, he’s been frantic, talking over my sister and, the day before, doing the same to my parents. It was the first time I heard my mom raise her voice and the first time I saw my dad hang up on him.
That’s when we all started to really acknowledge what’s been happening: we’ve been enabling him for years, long before he went to prison.
He had a drug habit before, and he wasn’t mentally stable then, either. Combine the two, and you get someone who’s completely delusional. For years, he’s talked about a suitcase full of money and the CIA.
Most recently, he insisted that a few of my sister’s friends had deposited $20,000 for him. He demanded to know why we were “holding onto his money.”
I feel awful. Guilty. Like a shitty sister. And I know my family feels the same way. But for once, we’ve agreed that enough is enough. We’ve decided to cut him off financially. Maybe, without us cushioning his reality, he’ll hit rock bottom and finally want to change.
As much as we want to see him improve—and maybe even thrive—it has to come from him. We can’t force it.
In the meantime, my sister and I plan to contact the mental health department at his prison. I don’t expect miracles—there are far too few staff to address the overwhelming needs in California prisons—but we’ll try.
I’ll keep writing him letters, sending photos, and letting him know how much I think about and love him. For now, that’s all I can do.
If you’d like to send him a message through the prison texting app, click on the button below. At this point, I feel like anything would help, even if it was just a quick message to say you read my Substack and wanted to say hi or to see how he was doing.
You can also write him a letter—just reply to this email, and I’ll share his address.
Thank you for your support and interest in my brother. It means the world to me and my family.
More stories about my bro…
thank you for sharing this. I don't know exactly how I landed here but I have a younger brother also, who is 37 and incarcerated in central california. After a terrible phone call with him I just felt absolutely hopeless and helpless. He's always had drug problems and mental health issues and I just wanted to express my gratitude because EVERYTHING I read on here is relatable. I want to be positive, but sometimes my anger comes out when I disagree with his delusions and I'm still heartbroken over his choices and the reality of a very long sentence in prison. At any rate, thank you for sharing, it gives me hope that I can be a positive person in his life just as you are to your brother.
Oh Claire, I am so sorry this is happening. I hope you and your family take good care and get what you all (hopefully) want and need.