The latest on my bro
Weight gain, depression... it's not looking so great, but there's always a light somewhere. You just gotta find it.
Hi Friends,
Thank you so much for subscribing and hello new subscribers. I’m glad you’re here and feel immense gratitude for your interest in my brother. Today’s newsletter is about a recent visit that my parents made on their own, my brother’s mental state, my own mental state 😵💫 , and hopefully finding him a pen pal. If you’d like to send a message to my brother, I’ve included new “Message my bro” buttons in this newsletter that explain how to do that.
My parents went to see my brother a few weeks back and my mom told me he wasn’t doing well. He’s fallen into a deeper depression.
She told me he gained a noticeable amount of weight from all of the Snickers and chips he eats from the care packages and canteen (the prison store). He stays in his cell and doesn’t exercise or go to the yard.
As my mom recounted what the three-hour visit was like, she said he didn’t lift his head once. He just stared down at the table and said he would really appreciate it if we (me, my sister, and parents) would stop lecturing him. He said it makes him sad when we tell him to “do this” or “do that” because… he can’t.
His eyes were downcast and he played with a wad of toilet paper in his hand. When my mom asked why he was holding on that, he opened up his hand and revealed a tiny bar of soap inside. He said it was to clean the rim of the toilet seats in case he needed to use the bathroom.
Feeling blah
I often struggle with how I can support him because I’m so frustrated with his inability to be proactive. (In prison, people often find jobs and get time knocked off their sentences. There are also programs, classes, and ways to earn your degree or lower your security level.)
At times, I stress out over the level of responsibility I feel towards him. I previously wrote about feeling burdened from having to pick up all of his phone calls. There was a time when he was calling me and my sister all the time—sometimes multiple times a day.
I’d have to drop everything to answer—when I was working, writing, or out running errands. I’d be “that person” talking on their cell phone while standing inside of a quiet Starbucks.
I know I shouldn’t complain, but his heavy reliance on me (and my sister) was overwhelming. He has no one else to talk to. He has no friends to call.
When we’d talk, the superficial conversations and small talk really started to bug me. He’d ask about the weather, what I was doing, where I was going, who I was meeting up with, how my parents were doing. I get it, he’s curious and wants to feel the outside world in any way he can, but when I’d ask how he was doing, like how are you really doing… he’d always tell me he was fine. I began to dread these empty conversations.
Then, he just stopped calling. Ever since January, I’ve only talked to him only a handful of times. I think that epic fight I had with him on New Year’s Day is likely the reason he doesn’t call as much. I felt really bad about that too and apologized a few times to him since that time.
So when my mom told me about her latest visit, I felt terrible. It’s always the same mix of sadness and guilt. I feel so sorry for him because he doesn’t have the life skills of a 37-year-old.
Before prison, he lived like he was still in college—always seeking out the next fun thing to do or which people to hang out with. He was stoned 24-7. His lack of education and real-world experiences like pursuing a career and paying bills, meant he didn’t have a chance to grow, learn to be self-aware, or how to process his emotions. I hate to sound like I’m making excuses for the way he turned out—I know his life choices were poor and the decisions he made ultimately landed him in prison.
But man oh man does he have a lot of growing and self-exploration to do. Not having any of these skills is setting him up for failure inside prison. And that makes me incredibly sad.
There’s light in all of this and I have to keep searching for it
I don’t expect miracles for him to change and suddenly want to improve his life. What motivates people to want to change is so unique for everyone and is based on circumstances, past experiences, and what they want for their future. I don’t know when or if my brother will ever get there.
I’m so discouraged when I think about my brother, but I’m learning to channel that energy into more altruistic endeavors, and that is helping me tremendously. This month, I started teaching writing inside a local prison for a non-profit called Unbound Authors. And the other day I completed my orientation for the female side of that same prison so I can teach incarcerated women too.
Seeing the faces of the men and women who are eager to learn and expand their skills in writing brings me a sense of joy and hope.
It reminds me that there is light in his shitty situation.
Exploring a pen pal
I wished I was better at communicating with my brother via text. Even when his messages are weird and cryptic, I wish I could be more curious. Why can’t I keep asking him questions and we could go down some dumb rabbit hole together? What’s the harm in that?
At least he would feel like I’m listening and interacting with him. Sometimes I do, but then his responses get super long and doubly strange, and then, I find myself at a loss and don’t know what to write. I end up closing the messaging app and not responding at all. Then, I feel bad.
I thought about my friend Sammy (who has been in prison for over two decades) and how he found a life-changing friendship when he was at an all-time low. He found this person through a prison pen pal site.
I had been kicking the idea of signing my brother up for a pen pal site but never acted on it. I decided to try this route to open up my brother to new people. Maybe he can find someone new to talk to about ostriches that are being killed by poachers and UFOs and whatever else is on his mind. Maybe he can form a new bond with a stranger.
So this past week, I finally went on Facebook to see about those prisoner pen pal groups and to maybe try and find him someone who would want to write to him. When I went into the groups, however, it felt so… overwhelming. Some of these groups have over 70,000 people in them. Surely, a plea for a pen pal for him would get drowned out. I wasn’t feeling the vibe.
Instead of Facebook, I decided to try WriteAPrisoner.com after hearing about it from Sammy, and for a $65 annual fee, opened an account for my brother. I wrote up his profile and put up a pre-prison photo of him. The site needs to approve each incarcerated person’s profile, so I’m currently waiting for it to get approved.
I should know in a few weeks and I’ll keep you updated on how all of this goes. My fingers are crossed and my heart is open.
If you’re a newer subscriber and want to get to know my brother, these are great places to start.
I just found this thread today when googling how to cope with my brothers 20 year sentence that was given this morning. How did you cope in the early days? This is impossible to comprehend and heartbreaking.
Hi Claire, I appreciate your writing very much. I too have a brother in prison although his pattern thus far has been kind of in and out of prison repeatedly. He is currently "in" a detention center awaiting trial, and I don't know whether he will have a longer term sentence. Drugs and the resultant "brain damage" from drug use have lead to his current situation. I admire your continued work for your brother and your trying to connect with him and support him. I know that you are correct in stating that situations in different prisons and different states vary widely. I'm looking forward to reading more of your work!